The Controlled Burn
On Losing a Boss, Rationing Courage, and Finding New Growth
POSITIVE AFFIRMATION
“There’s a certain thrill in meeting new people. Getting to know them takes time and courage.
Today I am genuinely curious.”
- Johnny T. Nguyen, using AffirmStreak™
“We should talk more, it’s going to be lonely without our old boss around.”
That’s what my colleague sent me over Teams chat when the news sank in that our boss was retiring. We each knew our boss for more than a decade, loved his leadership style, and had built something that went well beyond a reporting line. For me, he’s a friend and perhaps even a father-figure.
The other day, while driving into my workplace, which sits inside the Merritt Island National Wildlife Refuge, a 140,000-acre expanse full of wildlife and even endangered species, there was a controlled burn going on. At any given time, there are controlled burns on certain sections of the refuge. I find the very premise of a controlled burn fascinating - that we intentionally burn the forest to prevent worse, more intense fires from occurring. But the best part is that the controlled burns clear the deadwood, promoting new growth, returning nutrients to the soil, and increasing biodiversity.
The new boss has triggered a controlled burn within me. In adapting to the new boss’s style and figuring out what it will take to succeed, I’ve realized that I had an over-reliance on one relationship — my old boss — as my main source of professional connection. Over the course of a decade working with someone, I got to know implicitly what was needed and expected, and now I find those skills have atrophied somewhat. This controlled burn is forcing me to clear my personal deadwood.
But it’s hard to play firefighter at work when, at home, I’ve got two small kids who consume my spare time, from sunup to sundown. I get why people with young families tend to keep their heads down at work. Who wants to handle major stress on two fronts? Sometimes we don’t have a choice, like taking care of an aging parent, and sometimes we do it to ourselves, like launching a personal side business. Either way, managing on two fronts quickly depletes our cognitive capacity and results in decision fatigue.
That explains why I was quieter in meetings. Typical me would’ve raised controversial points, played devil’s advocate to get to better ideas, and pushed for more specific timelines and deliverables. Yet here I was, letting the conversation pass by because it was safer that way.
Turns out I was rationing courage.
I’ve known about decision fatigue, but what I didn’t know is that research shows that when managing multiple fronts, you default to the most conservative option across all fronts, which may explain my behavior.
But, there’s a growing body of research that points to something different: experiences in one role can actually improve your performance in the other. It’s not automatic and doesn’t work all the time, but it is possible if done deliberately. The key is to knowingly take what you learn on one front into the other, such as a new skill, perspective, or even just a good mood. For example, I learned AI to stay relevant at work, but it’s helped significantly for family stuff, like travel planning. Conversely, a great morning with my family logistics, like planning our trip to Japan.
So, as I undergo my personal controlled burn at work, I’m keeping in mind what I can leverage back and forth between work and family. Instead of feeling like I’m running on empty and hiding, I can draw from my toddler’s energy and carry it into work, while using my conflict management skills on my toddler! The new growth is already showing, with a few deeper work relationships and an uptick in Teams messages.
